What Does Codependency Mean?

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Diseases such as alcoholism or drug abuse often affect more than the one person who is using. They often spread to family, friends and loved ones who take care of the addict in one of many ways.

Codependency (also referred to as: co-dependence, codependence and co-dependency) describes a person or a situation in which one Person A’s care for Person B is too much, unreasonable, inappropriate or as damaging as Person B’s initial behavior or addiction.

Also referred to as enabling behavior or an enabler, codependency usually creates a pattern in which destructive behavior such as alcohol or drug addiction continues in large part due to the enabling environment. If addiction or substance abuse is part of the co-dependency equation, the addict may come to rely on the enabling behavior in order to continue his or her own addictive behavior.

Co-dependency can affect, well, just about anyone. The co-dependent definition also includes adults who grew up in a household in which chronic emotional stress was present. In addition to alcoholism, this could include chemical dependency, mental illness, physical illness, abuse (physical, sexual or emotional) and/or hyper-criticism. From spouses to parents to friends, siblings or co-workers, no one is immune to knowing or being related to someone who is addicted to alcohol or drugs, or who exhibits another chronic issue such as mental illness or abuse.

Living or being in a relationship with someone who is an alcohol or substance abuser is difficult, ongoing and more often than not highly stressful. People who are codependent often are involved in relationships that are destructive and/or abusive, as well as one-sided. The co-dependent person often puts the needs and health of the person who is sick before his or her own individual needs. They also develop an unhealthy and destructive “need to be needed.”

Oftentimes in such dysfunctional situations, whether we are part of them as children or as adults, certain unspoken (or sometimes spoken) rules become laws in our mind. Such unspoken rules often include:

• No discussing my problems
• No expressing my feelings
• I must be perfect, right and strong in order to survive
• There is no time or space for fun or play
• Keep moving forward, don’t rock the boat.

What are some of the symptoms of codependent behavior or a codependent person?

• Controlling behavior
• Anger
• Over-care-taking
• Distrust
• Avoidance of feelings
• Boundary issues
• Perfectionism
• Problems with intimacy

It is important to keep in mind that traits such as compassion or empathy do not, on their own, necessarily create a codependent situation. It is also important to remember that people who are compulsive caretakers and/or exhibit related codependent behavior often have the best of intentions and are, ultimately, trying to help. At the end of the day, though, co-dependents feel as victimized as the abuser or addict and are embroiled in as destructive and dysfunctional a cycle as anyone else involved.

 

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